With little strength left in me, I am writing this while holding my tears.
Am sitting here at my table, on a sunny day... I am holding on to a very thin strength that is left.
After that good news we received weeks ago, we received yet a devastating news.
On our 10th week appointment with Dr Rosy, she could detected the baby's heartbeat even though we could hear it loud and clear last two weeks. Dr Rosy showed a worried face and gave us two options :
1. wait for two weeks and let the baby comes out on its own
2. doc will give tablet
And we couldn't believe our eyes, that we couldnt see the heartbeat. Seeing both of us were numb, doc said we'll take option no. 1. Subhanallah~ A test that we have to face at the beginning of this beautiful journey.
Back from the appointment, on Sunday night, I cried in Solah, my tears ran down my cheeks while reading Quran... trying to accept the fate. Yet, I wasn't ready to give up. I opened my Quran and shown two ayah.... regarding how prophet Zakaria was granted a child even though his wife is not fit to conceive, and how Allah gives Death to a soul and able to give it live again. Everything is possible in His Hands. Subhanallah.... I gained my confident and stayed positive until last Monday. For the whole week we've been trying to see Dr Norida for second opinion but the clinic was closed until last Monday. We went to see Dr Norida and she did an ultrasound, and .......................... she couldn't find the heartbeat, the blood flow and the size of the baby is only 8week while I am already in my 11th week. Subhanallah...... couldnt say anything... but Dr Norida did motivate us by saying that, looking at the positive side, at least we know we could conceive, I could conceive.
Went back heavy heartedly, we laid down and discuss. At least, I don't have to carry my baby for the whole 9 months then gave birth after an hour it is pronounced dead (this is what happened to my youngest brother. He lived for only an hour in this world). Dr Norida also told us that if the growth stopped at 8th week, that means its nature selection. Maybe there's a chromosome disorder...who knows. Only Allah knows what's best for us. Now, back on my feet. The whole week not feeling anything, no pain, no spotting, no bleeding. Allah knows what's best. Bismillahi tawakkal tu 'alallah....
Behind this, we know that there are a lot for us to improve. Despite our dream to build our little family, insya allah one day He will replace with something better. May Allah bless u baby, you have the chance to live for only 8 weeks in mummy's womb and we were excited to hear your heart beat, but He loves you more. Mama and papa love you soooo much.
p/s: My appointment with Dr Rosy is on Saturday, we'll see the options that we have.
